ALL-NBA SKI MASK TEAM

This piece was influenced by a few jokes on social media about NBA Players essentially stealing money. We know that these gentlemen work hard, day in and day out. This is not meant to be disrespectful. Counterintuitively, this is to praise them and their agents for working these deals and cashing in. Without any further ado, I present to you, your All-NBA Ski Mask Team.

John Wall

While still a member of the Washington Wizards, John Wall inked a 4-year $171 million extension. Giving this contract to a player who struggled to stay healthy doesn’t make any sense, but hindsight is always 20-20. Or should I say 40-40, because of the millions he is laundering? Mr. Wall is now on the Houston Rockets and is owed $44M this year and a player option of $47M next year. Wall is the 3^rd highest-paid player in the NBA. I want to be like you when I grow up. Go to nightclubs, come to training camp overweight, and still get paid. We admire your work John Wall.

Kemba Walker

At most jobs, if the general manager doesn’t want you, you’re fired! Short and simple. But not our 1^st teamer Mr. Walker. After Brad Stevens traded Kemba Walker to OKC, the Thunder paid him $53 million…. TO LEAVE!!! If that’s not greatness, I don’t know what is. Not only did he get to leave OKC, but he is also going to his home; Madison Square Garden on a 2 year, $17M contract. Kemba is from New York and gets the chance to play in his hometown. A heartwarming, beautiful storybook ending for a bank heist movie huh?

Tobias Harris

Currently, under a 5 year $180M contract, Tobias is a robber of consistency. His next three years are $36M, $37M and $39M. Not too bad for a 3^rd option? Harris is the 14^th highest-paid player in the league and doesn’t even average 20 PPG. The 76ers saw a role player and said, “Let’s pay him more than Anthony Davis and Kyrie Irving”. I’m drinking the haterade, as I struggle to pay for daycare.

Kevin Love

I love that he is an advocate for mental health awareness among athletes. It isn’t talked about enough and needs to be taken more seriously. Now to the bad part. Mr. Love is loving that 4 years $120M contract. Injuries played a part in his poor performance, but I think a bad franchise and lack of motivation is the key here. Love is still on the books for $31M this year and $28M next year. A buyout seems adamant. He’s been very cavalier with his effort and I don’t see that changing any time soon. He’ll be a Laker.

Kristaps Porzingis

I hope I’m wrong here, but that 5 year 158M contract isn’t off to a great start. He doesn’t rebound well, he isn’t the defensive presence he was in New York and he doesn’t compliment Luka Doncic (yet). He better hope that Jason Kidd can add some value to his presence or that $100M owed over the next 3 years will be on the trading block. Speaking of a block, you’re 7’3”!! Get on the block, and get some low post buckets. Unicorn… How about you play better before you’re in a different uniform?

In conclusion, all these men are NBA players and the best at what they do. The words written here won’t hurt their pockets one bit. I wish them all the success in the world and hope they never get caught robbing again.